CHEMO #8

Tuesday March 20

I have been thinking of this date since December 12. The day of my first round. To finally see it, I just can't believe that it is here. I have felt so confident throughout the day and ready to get this done. I am also just overwhelmed with the love I have felt from so many people. I am sad that my parents weren't able to be here for today, but completely understand why. They have been so great with everything and been there for just about everything. I wanted them to be a part of today, but I know they are there in love and spirit knowing how hard I have worked to get to this point.

And oddly, I haven't really worked. I have just had this immense amount of support pushing me through to this finish line. Prayers have catapulted me forward and shown me that I can do this. The dedication of a child is very interesting. Most of the time they shoot for a goal that is beyond their capabilities. Sheer willpower ends up getting them so close to the finish. And then the chanting makes them get there. That's how I feel. This somewhat impossible task that I have always thought amazing people with superpowers make it through chemo. Not me. Even from the first day that Dr Myers sat us down and started explaining the history of breast cancer and I am just sitting there confused as to why he is mentioning this to me. It is all just such a blur that I can't explain how I am here. March 20. A day that I am thrilled to finally see!!

The past 3 weeks I started my visit at 10:30. So today, starting at 8:30, I am a bit stressed with the timing. I want to remember today, and I need my babies to be here with me for it. That's just about all I have been able to think about since #7. They did the tour with me initially before starting and I want them here with me as I finally end. Based on the events of the prior weeks, I figured out the kids need to be here about 2:15-2:30. There has been careful timing and figuring out how to get the kids back to me. But I think it worked out perfectly.

Kim came over at 8, and Chayse and I left at 8:15. Then Lux went off to school. At 12:30, Zane and Zoey went to playgroup while Kim watched Pippa nap (good task to have!). Then Chayse was to pick up Lux at 1:45 because it was a good time during school according to her teacher so she wouldn't be lost somewhere in the building and unable to find. After getting Lux, he was to get the other two from playgroup and Kim would bring Pippa to meet us at the hospital, along with Great Grandma (if she was up for it) and Todd. That was the schedule for the kids.

So I was at the hospital with Chayse, got the blood drawn, then off to Dr Reese. He had some thoughts and wanted me to try Singular with my premeds this time. Yes, it confused me too, but the same singular for allergies. Why? He thinks that I am allergic to the solute used to make the taxol into a fluid so it can be pushed through an IV. Strange. {This was confirmed to me May 3 when I had an appointment with the allergist and he specifically mentioned Taxol and some people have allergies to that chemo drug...me being one! crazy!} But it takes 30 minutes for pills to be absorbed and this would give us just the right timing for the drug. I was on edge for the first bit when the taxol was administered and finally relaxed 15 minutes after it had started, realizing I was in the clear! Wahooo!

But the doctor visit went well and we discussed the next steps generally and set an appointment for 3 weeks from now to do blood work and I guess "clear me" for the next step of my cancer. I headed into the infusion room with my eye on the prize (that bell) and ready to do this. I let my nurses know I was planning on my family being here for the event about 2:30 and would like to end just after that. So even though we could have sped it along with the positive effect of the singular, we kept it on the slower pace just to keep everything in line with what I had previously figured out!

I tried my best to wear as many things as I could to think all those who had given me things during my treatment. You have all been so giving! I'm in tears writing this! I am the luckiest, and I hope I don't forget it. Just about everything I was wearing, minus my jeans, was given to me by loving, generous friends and I am just so thankful for all of you!! I didn't get the chance to wear EVERYTHING today, but I tried my best to make sure you knew how much I appreciated your gift. You were all there. Every one of you. Those who thought of us. Served us. Prayed for us. Visited. Looked out for us. Asked what else you could do. I never wanted to be in this position, but looking back I can't deny the love of a wonderful God and the love and goodness of those around us. Is that humanity? That word is so strange to me. But if that is what humanity is....it is so so good. So good.

Okay. The visitors. Today was the BEST EVER!!! I wish everyone could have come, but there are a few restrictions. I was able to be loved on so much today. Kara came at the beginning and she was there at the beginning of this journey because she has been there, done that. She answered so many questions and was beyond helpful to understand my fears and what nots. Her wealth of knowledge and friends to help me were so needed and welcomed. Cancer friends are for life. Its a bond you don't want, but are thankful for. She brought me something to suck on during the infusion because I forgot and the taste was really bugging me today! Jessica came and brought these wonderful celebration balloon bouquet and was obnoxiously awesome. She also found this bracelet that says "I am a Survivor" and it just brought me to tears. That's me. I made it to this end of chemo. I am so close to finishing this thing off (well, 6 more months I'm guessing), but the extremely hard part is almost over. Oh I love it so much. Carly came by and gave me some love with Karen and made me feel loved in my cozy chair. Jess Seal couldn't come by because of an ultrasound and then taking the kids for playgroup today. My Relief Society (women's church group) leaders came by with the most fabulous microphone that my kids are going to love! With the note that "you're a rockstar" and I just loved the thoughtfulness of the gift. It was wonderful. Everything about my visitors was wonderful. The conversation. The love. The giving of their time. Just coming and serving me when I can't go and serve them. It's so overwhelming.

Then. 2 came around and it was time for Chayse's family to come in. We are lucky they are all so close. Julianna came (without kids? Crazy!) Jaymee was there. Then Shay came (who took off work and came down from Orem to film the whole event!) and McKell with her two sweet girls. Todd and Kim came with Pippa. Then Chayse came with my three big kids. I just sat there and was just taken aback by everything. In the moment I couldn't believe all these people were here. FOR ME. I was that important they arranged their whole day around 2pm and was there for me. Lucky didn't cover my feelings. I felt like I wasn't in the scene and was able to just feel it, see it, and just enjoy a few moments paused in slow motion. Those seconds were so important to me. The whole morning had flown by. But now I got to breathe and just see. It was a special moment God let me have. And I am beyond thankful for those seconds I was able to ingrain into my memory of today.

We took a few pictures and that was it. It was time to get unhooked. I am just in tears over this. Chayse lovingly unwrapped my bandages with the ice packs. My nurses did their job and took de-accessed my port. I am pretty slow after getting chemo and was helped up. I remember just staring at the bell and knowing where I was going. It was a slight slow-motion, but with a strange speed added to it. It was MY TURN! I remember hearing the bell for my first chemo and thinking I would never make it. But it was MY TURN. I can't explain the love of those few moments. I want to so badly, but just know I felt every single thing at that moment. Everything. WE DID IT. I climbed my Everest. I rang that bell and then let my kids try and reach it. Looking back, I wish I had a picture of me with my best friend and 4 kids...but ehh...I have the video that makes me tear up, so I have stopped watching it!

I had my cancer friends cheering me on, and no doubt feeling the same way I felt in December. I had an incredible nursing staff clapping for me. And then family there smiling and cheering for me as well. I know I moved as slow as a turtle (confirmed by video!) and I just love those people. Oh, I am so thankful for my village that has made this day possible. I just have so much in my heart I can't explain. The pictures just make me relive every moment. I don't want to let go of this happiness and support and love. Oh, it is just wonderful! (but try not to get in this situation)

I received flowers, loves and just wonderful words from so many people. I am SO BLESSED.

We headed home and thankfully Kim came with us. I know Kara came by with dinner, and man we were ready for food when we came home. I got a nap in and then was able to be awake for a chunk of the evening, whereas before I pretty much just went to bed on the couch and somehow made it to my bed. Don't know how. But I did wake up in the morning in my own bed! And I know Lux had soccer practice at 4, and we were home in time, so I assume Kim took her because she did go. And the other kids? Eeek. I don't know what they were doing. Last I saw them was at my bell ringing. Otherwise? No clue. Haha

Seriously, I am BEYOND BLESSED and THANKFUL. I've always loved my birthday being around Thanksgiving, and now I hope I am able to feel all these feelings everything Thanksgiving.