Monday afternoon

So we are wandering around in Costco, picking up bags upon bags of cranberries because I love the smell of my house after making a batch. And as I am in survival mode, everyone is going to get a taste of my sauce. (After all was said and done, I made 18 bottles of sauce, because.) I am just in such a daze and confused as to what cancer really is. How did my body create it when I try so hard to keep what is inside, in, and keep all the bad stuff out? I just focused on the few things I needed to get and just waited for the imaging people to call to set up my MRI. Then they called. I circled the books a few dozen times listening to all this information. Where, when, what not to do, how to be dressed. Then came the questions. Are you diabetic? Are you allergic to this? To that? Are you pregnant?

So many questions and I finally said, "Well, I was in perfect health until today." But seriously. Who says that to someone. I had perfect health until I had cancer. No broken bones. I got my ears pierced but I kept thinking in my head about the holes I know had and then just passed out. Oh, and should I add I was 22??? I don't exactly enjoy the health profession but have always held them in great esteem. But that's just not me. I kept getting queasy whenever we went to sing inside hospitals and handled my babies okay in the hospitals, but was always itching to get out.

So the MRI was scheduled for the next day. I then proceeded to type out the words "stage one Breast Cancer" to family members and just wanted to hide for a little while. But when does that happen when I have a 6, 4, 3 and 1 year old?? We headed home and relieved my in laws and just set to taking care of what needed to be done.

Monday was spent in a funk and just so unsure about everything. What is cancer? Will I do chemo? What about my productivity? I dislike sitting around and have a hard time just sitting and playing with my kids if it's not a check off my to do list. (Maybe I should add that on so I can mark it off??!)

For the first time I was actually eager to get to the hospital and have my MRI completed. I wanted a treatment plan now. Let's just finish this up and move along because I have places to be and people to entertain.

One thing I will add, telling your mom you have cancer is just so strange. Come to find out in a few days (because I am still afraid to research) 45 is a common age in breast cancer. So all the shirts on amazon say they are fighting for their mom, or supporting, or whatever. But those shirts are in adult sizes, so my babies have a mom who is still 13 years (and a few days) off from that stat. It's just a whirlwind of emotions and I feel as if I lost a whole day to a few simple words.