Monday, November 13

On Monday I had a nice long list of things to get done while Zane was at preschool. Lux had headed off on her merry way to school (convenience of living so close to school!!) and Zane followed as I had crossing guard duty and he always loves riding his bike with the big kids on the way to school. I tried to not allow it as all weekend he had been on steriods and nebulizer treatments along with Zoey, making the weekend not so enjoyable. Chayse took Zane to instacare because we were so worried about how fast his heart was racing from the drugs. It was no wonder he was so hard to control as all he did was run laps around the house and want to jump on the tramp instead of sitting still in front of a tv. Because of all this, I just wanted to get things done.

First on the list was to buy plane tickets to Atlanta for Christmas. We had a voucher so after searching and searching for the best tickets, and then trying to purchase them, I realized I had to go to a ticket counter to get this completed. At this point it was 6pm and the last thing I wanted to do was leave my house to buy tickets. It would be done Monday morning. So we dropped off the snacks for preschool and I kept Zane with Zoey, Pippa and I and headed to the airport only 10-15 minutes away. We get there and it took a little while to figure out what to do, but someone was able to help. She doesn't work the ticket counter, then another employee came over who also doesn't, but was able to assist. My kids were a little bored as I was unprepared to wait so long. In all, it took about 45 minutes. I had written down the flight numbers, prices and everything I thought relevant to give to the ticket counter. I handed over the voucher and had estimated about $350 left to be paid. He mentioned that the tickets when up a bit, okay, okay, that's fine. More crowd control. More discipline. No more snacks and treats left in my purse. Three wild children while I am trying to keep things under control.

Then I decided to check my phone and saw a few missed calls. I really like the iphone function that will transcribe the voicemail left and I saw that it read, "This is Dr Myers' office and we would like you and your husband to come in as soon as you can, preferably today if that works for your schedule." Just then, the man helping me said it'll be $800 due and my jaw dropped. I was so overcome with emotions I didn't know what to do. Okay, Christmas will be fine, we will shift money towards the plane tickets and just do this and that, and oh, I need a babysitter now for my kids for another drs appointment making it 3 in a week which is terrible. Just a flood of frustrations and trying to figure out what to do. This angel of a man must have seen my face I was trying to conceal and he looked at me and said, oh, I must be wrong, looks like it is only $400 left.

I know this is silly, but this was a major miracle to me; half the cost that was making me worry so much. I told the angel of a man, "Sir, I don't know what you did for me but I really appreciate what you have done for me and my family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart." This airport employee had no idea what kind of issues we were facing, or were about to face, but he did something and I am grateful for the time he spent doing whatever he did to cut that price tag in half.

So Christmas tickets were crossed off the list. Now to call the drs. The receptionist said they wanted me to come in during Dr Myers' lunch break. This is when I began to stress. Why?? I assumed he was going to say surgery is the best option and that's what needed to be done. I had no idea anything even remotely close to cancer would be said. I just figured since the nurses at the pediatricians office know that if Chayse isn't there, shots wouldn't be happening that day for said child. Same thing. This office just understood it quicker. As soon as I finished that call, I immediately called my mother in law to see if she was free to watch the kids. It is a short day all week for Lux, getting home about 1:30, so it would have to be at our house. She didn't answer, so I called Chayse with the news and called her back. She could come over immediately and I left to pick up Chayse en route to the doctors (a 5 minute distance from his office).

We made it and got back to a room and just waited. We talked about this and that, he did some emails, I read some of my book (about Winston Churchill because I'm excited about "The Darkest Hour" coming out). Then the doctor came back. Everything was slightly fuzzy in all honestly as I sat and waited to hear him say surgery was eminent. He says something about being malignant and then goes into the history of breast cancer. It was getting interesting and then things just hit me and I asked, "So, you think I have cancer then?" I was stunned. He said yes and resumed my history lesson and I was even more confused. That seemed like a completely ridiculous idea. I had things happening in my life and plans that were being made. Sure, the plans aren't exactly etched in stone, but watching my kids be kids is definitely one of them and cancer doesn't really fit right now. Soon a flood of emotions came over me. What am I going to tell my kids? What are they going to need now? They need a mom, they need stability. No ones got time for endless fits because they aren't on a schedule now. I didn't hear too much of what else was said and just had tears and couldn't come to terms to even speak the word.

He checked my lump, I guess we can now refer to it as a tumor, and with this in mind he could sense the differences, but it was still so different than most cases of breast cancer that it was boggling. I, still not completely knowing anything about breast cancer, am just in shock honestly. I made Chayse just drive. Anywhere. And then I realized mom needed to know. And I said the word. Cancer. I have breast cancer. Another word I don't like saying too much, but will be coming out of my mouth constantly. Chayse was starving and I had lost my appetite so I had him get me a smoothie from Jamba to make me eat while he picked up something else. And since I have a one track mind, I made him take me to Costco next because I had a list of things to do today and it needed to be done. Cancer could wait.