Monday November 20

In all honesty, I don't know what to say. It was kind of a let down, meeting our oncologist. I was looking forward to seeing time lines, what this would do, how that would affect my normal life. But nope. Nothing.

I liked Dr Reese. He's a younger man, oldest kid is 9 and youngest just turned 1. (4 kids total) He was very knowledgeable and helpful in our questions. But they still have a lot to ask as well. For one, they haven't confirmed it is actually breast cancer. Right now, I am praying that it is and I'll be able to start treatment in the next 2-3 weeks. Then they also need to confirm where the cancer actually is. This whole thing is very confusing to me. I never had morning sickness or any other symptoms with my pregnancies, but I expected having cancer to be similar to that. You feel yucky, can't shake it off, and then bam, it's cancer or something else that takes a little while to figure out but can be done. I have had nothing. I have had an irrational bump protruding out my side and rubbing against my arm when I move. That also sometimes gives off pains. But otherwise I am in good health. I go to the gym 5 times a week (love me some day care!) and I am a very active, busy person. I like to be involved and do things. And I still do...but I have cancer.

So, the first step is to figure out what, then where, then you get yourself a treatment plan. So I have to wait and get a biopsy scheduled so they can use an ultrasound and guide the needle in to grab the correct tissue in question to make samples of and study up under a microscope. This will declare what kind of cancer as there are a few others and this is an unusually different way to present itself as breast cancer.

Then I need a PET scan. They'll put some fancy sugars inside me and send me under something in between a MRI and CAT scan. Or maybe CT. Not sure the difference. The sugars will be where to cancer likes to party and light up showing where the cancer is confined to as of right now. I am praying that it is just in this nice lump by my armpit.

He spoke of a few ideas they had, and those made me just stop and be in shock. It was as if an ocean wave hit me and I wasn't getting back up. That's not how I want to feel. I got a message from a friend this weekend saying that whenever he was sad or upset, he would call me when we were in college. He was always wanting to be happy and that was me. I didn't let much bring me down and wanted to just enjoy myself. He said I was "medicine for a bad day." That really picked me up. Because that is who I am. I don't dwell on things and try to be happy. Sure, putting on a happy face isn't the best at times, but it's worked for me for almost 32 years, so I don't see the point in that wave crashing over me feeling again.

Right now, best case scenario, I have breast cancer and I will start chemo in about 3 weeks. I meet with Dr Reese again on Dec 4 and we discuss the what and where issues. The biopsy will get results back in 2-5 days, but with Thanksgiving in there I don't know exactly when we will find out.

Thank you to all who have reached out to me and thought of my family and sent a few prayers for us. I am continually amazed at the love I feel and the ease of allowing others to help me carry this burden. I think I would feel buried under a rock had I not shared this news. I am not generally one to enjoy secrets and surprises, so this was not something I could keep hidden. I have been able to feel lighter with the aid of so many willing to share my burden and help me feel lifted. Thank you.