Wednesday, November 22

It was a very strange birthday this year. I got cleaned up and ready, then just tried to act normal. My kids were thrilled with the day being involved with a celebration (their favorite kind of days!) and got set to decorating the house with my mom. Streamers. Were. Everywhere! But I couldn't get upset with the placement and the unevenness of everything. It was made and done with love, and I am pretty sure I didn't get a single picture of the chaos. But they did it because they love me. I usually get overwhelmed with messes and chaos, but I really tried to soak it all in. Then, just as I was brushing my teeth to head out for the biopsy, Lux handed me the "birthday girl" badge I proudly wore. They really do love unconditionally and I am trying to be the same.

As we were heading to the hospital, I AGAIN missed a call (this has been happening constantly for the past two weeks. Just when I need a phone to actually work!) I returned the call and it happened to be for my PET scan. I just wanted to deal with it later, but when she mentioned there's a spot on Monday and one Wednesday and then for the following week, I decided to be a few minutes late to the biopsy and get this scheduled. It was then set for 7:30 am on Monday. We then got checked in and waited. We started to head back with RaCail and threw out the info of my unsteadiness with needles and blood and how I will have to hold Chayse's hand to get through this. She made arrangements to let it happen and I was able to hold his hand the whole time. When I first had the "cyst" aspirated, I needed some headphones to conceal anything that might be going on. I turned the music up and had a few talks ready to be played if I wanted those to just listen and think with instead of tuning out life. Turns out, tuning out life was the correct route.

The doctor was very kind. Dr Koch got to work and RaCail used the ultrasound machine to make sure they were getting the correct tissue. I felt the numbness, and then nothing. And then lots of tugging and pulling and pushing with some red hotness and pressure and then some more heat. It began to be agonizing and I just was starting to lose it. I tried to hard to hide behind my phone. (Chayse held my right hand as I used my left-I was laying on my left side-to balance it on my forehead in hopes to see what I was trying to do on my phone. Reminded me of the kids trying to hide from me with the pads shoved onto their faces when they are using the pads while unauthorized!) I was grimacing and trying to handle the pain and overwhelming feelings about the situation. I must have grunted pretty loud because the nurse quickly pulled out an earbud and asked if I was okay. I mentioned it would be okay but was so ready for everything to be over with. I was done. I would rather have some triplets with a natural childbirth and nurse them through college. Anything but this. And then a few minutes later we were done. Oh, the relief!!!

Come to find out, they did a lot of tugging. The biopsy machine sounded like a drill and I am so glad I drowned it out. They also had to get another biopsy thing to get the needed tissue because so much of the first was filled with fluid and blood they could hardly see the samples. So the heat was the blood they were trying to control and was found on my hospital gown. They had made a hole that was too small to make a stitch, but big enough for concern to make sure to not get wet so it would close before an infection was possible. I was just so uncomfortable and just in pain and shock I was ready to hide in a hole. Pretty sure I didn't want to see any humans for at least 24 hours. But nope. They sent me over to get a mammogram to make sure the titanium clip deployed to mark the biopsy site. So over we went. It's only a stones throw away from the hospital, but the biopsy took about 90 minutes from check in to departure. And it was a lot more intense than I was planning.

At imaging, I was just so overwhelmed with having to take pictures after going through this ordeal. I broke down and was stressed Chayse couldn't come back because of the other women's privacy in the office. I get that. But they were their for routine visits. I am a sissy that needs her backbone to come help. After getting the pictures, the woman was worried the first one wasn't what was needed, so she sent for her manager. They were confirmed to be fine and have gotten the clips position, and then she was concerned that there was blood leaking into other parts of the breast. This was again overwhelming and I know it was out of concern, but at this point they brought Chayse back and he determined it was what it looked like when leaving the hospital 15 minutes prior. We were instructed to come back if anything changes, and thankfully nothing did! Just the strangest assortment of breast cancer just about anyone has seen.

We finally came home about 11:20 right when mom got back with the four kids from the library. We came inside and saw what the kids had done and then I had a quick snack before heading out with mom. Julianna came to get us with the instructions of wearing capris and flip flops. WAHOOO! A pedicure!! We met McKell, Shay and Kim at the salon and it was a nice relaxing time. It did feel good to do something even though I really just wanted to hide under some sheets. Being forced to do things is sometimes the best thing. It felt nice to have normal talk at lunch afterwards and we definitely stayed out longer than I thought, getting home just about 3. It was so nice to not really make and decisions for a little while and be told something enjoyable to do! I am glad I didn't cancel.

Once getting home, Chayse took Lux, Zane and Zoey off to pick up my present from his office. He also went to get some balloons with the kids to surprise me with. They enjoyed wrapping up a few things while I hid away. While Chayse was gone, my friend Kara came over and she recently finished her third round of chemo so it was nice to ask her some directed questions. One being about lab work and to get that question answered to be poked one less time. I am grateful for her guidance with the beginning of everything.

It was hard to try and keep Pippa from running into my biopsy site. She is a busy little baby girl and just loves climbing a bit much! And as I can't hold anything for the next 24 hours, it was a bit difficult to have patience with her.

I wanted to go out that evening with Chayse, but I just didn't want to do anything. So we haven't actually celebrated together. I will get that soon enough. Having a birthday near a holiday is sometimes difficult, but I do enjoy it. I am excited to be 33 next year on thanksgiving! Wahoooo! And as a survivor too! While opening presents, Jessica and Cassie came by with a beautiful blanket and it was so comforting as I rested while the kids ate dinner before heading off to bed.

So instead of going out, Chayse went and got me some sushi from Lins and he had some pizza while mom ate a salad. Thrilling dinner, eh? But Megan was able to come over and chat for a while that night. It was fun to see her while they were down visiting from Orem. Overall, it was a fine day. Sure, the biopsy was no fun, but I really can't believe I did it and I was able to make it all the way through without completely losing it. Sure am glad the backbone of my emotions was right there with me. But there were some high points I won't forget and am glad to be a mom to these sweet four kids that love having their mama close by. I really do appreciate all the love that has come from so many people these past few weeks. It is overwhelming.