Tuesday November 21

After yesterday's disappointing meeting, I just assumed that I wouldn't have any testing done this week with Thanksgiving. And with my birthday tomorrow I was okay with it. I was honestly hoping Dr Reese would recommend surgery first to remove this bulging thing, but when he said that it is a physical way for them to measure if the chemo was working, it all made sense. Then I thought I should probably figure out a game plan with my hair. I just assume it will be a side effect from the drugs and am wondering if I should cut it shorter, or just try to enjoy my hair as it is. Silly thoughts, but possibly important ones. My nurse navigator also mentioned I need to figure out if we are done with our family. If not, we need to harvest the eggs left before chemo. It just seems strange to have this thing that only slightly bothers me (in comparison to other things) could just outright decide if we are done with our family. I feel like we are. But to have chemo decide is just such a strange thing to me.

So I guess my plan was yesterday they would say, oh, let's take out that lump on Wednesday then you'll have Thanksgiving to recover! Sure. Not an ideal day. But something that would have been helpful.

As I was on the way to the gym this morning with the kids, I received 4 voicemails that were dated from Monday. Two were from friends, and the other two were doctor things. I am a bit frustrated I could have figured out my biopsy yesterday! But I got that scheduled for tomorrow. I figured that if I was hoping for surgery, getting an ultrasound led biopsy would be no big deal to kick off 32! So I have that at 9 in the morning. Nothing too crazy. They will go in, get the tissue they want to study, and send it off to the lab. After, they will put in a "marker" to pinpoint where they took the tissue from and leave a 2 cm titanium rod inside for it to be dealt with later. If the tissue is cancerous, they will know exactly where it came from. If it is not, I just might keep it as a souvenir I assume. But I like the idea of putting in a marker, even though it seems a bit strange. Once that's all done (take about an hour) then I get to head over to imaging in the instacare to get a mammography. Yay! One more thing to mark off my things to do with scans and whatnots I had a slight interest in knowing about. I can emphasize slight only because needles and doctors and nurses, I am so proud of what they do for a living, but that's just not me at all. No blood, nothing. Not me. But here I am. Facing something that would have been completely insurmountable a few years ago. And is now an Everest that I must climb or else.

I also missed a call later on in the day from the imaging department off River Road to schedule my PET scan. That is apparently harder to push through insurance, but everything seems to have gone so smoothly that I am somewhat surprised it took over 24 hours to get a call back. I have been playing phone tag with them, so I am hoping when I go in for the biopsy I will get that scheduled at the desk. For the PET I get an isotope through the IV to light up the cancer spots. This is most nerve wracking because I just want it located in one space. No more, no less. That's good for me. The smaller the stage the better. I really want to be with my kids for another 60 years. Or more. That's fine too. But not really settling for anything less.

Today we were able to have some fun with the kids. I should mention that mom was able to fly out and get into town EARLY Monday morning, around 2am. It has been so helpful to have more hands here. It has made me not so intense with little things and have some help to fold laundry and take care of babies. I have been trying to focus on Christmas and taking care of little things to make sure it is all done before my hopeful chemo start. Another thing about Christmas. We were supposed to be flying to Atlanta on the 22. Not anymore. The doctor suggested I stay for Christmas this year. The kids love flying and will be a bit disappointed, but all will be well. We can take a celebratory trip once all this is over with. To where? To be determined. But I always do well having something to look forward to and plan out (Because who doesn't like to have every minute of your vacation planned out?).

I am looking forward to starting my birthday with tissue being taken out! Then my sisters in law and I believe mother and grandmother in law have something planned for me and mom for tomorrow. Not sure what it is! But that is really nice to look forward to. I just feel like I need to cram all the fun in for the kids right now. So it is wonderful to be able to have a few hours to not have to be a mom and just be me. Chayse has been so flexible with work since everything started up and has changed from doing 10-11 hour days, plus some work from home, to about 5 hours a day. It has helped lighten my load as well and not feel so much pressure. Last night neither of us slept well, so I am hoping tonight will make up for it. When I wake up at night, it takes a while to get back to sleep as all my thoughts turn to my appointments and what has been happening. It does help me wake up quickly in the morning though! Not exactly what I want, but when the kids are ready for breakfast at 6, it is helpful to snap out of that beauty rest quickly.