December 31, Sunday

Happy New Year!!

The last week to have church at 2:30. Hallelujah!!! I am thrilled to rush around in the morning next week. It'll be the best. It was also the last week with our Sunday School kids. They were sweet kids and I think we all learned a lot with each other. They seemed to have learned a few things from us this year and I mainly hope they learned that we believe in Christ, we have been blessed by following His teachings, and they can be blessed too.

I also want to mention prayer. I have been impacted so much by prayer from this adventure, journey, time period that we are in right now. I cannot comprehend how prayers are really working for us, but they are. If you are in doubt that they are real, I hope that you can have faith in my story that they really are. I even believe that any thought towards me, my story, or my family, has helped us tremendously as well.

At first my fears were taking care of my kids and keeping their lives as normal as possible, as well as being able to feed my family. Those are my top priorities and will continue to be. Just before starting my first round, Chayse gave me a priesthood blessing and used his authority from Christ to give me blessings from Heavenly Father to help me during this trial. You can get a priesthood blessing for anything that you are worried about. Maybe schooling, or a major life decision you have been trying to figure out. It is also used for the healing of the sick as in Jesus' day and our day as well. And I was in need of some guidance before beginning chemo.

It was a wonderful and touching moment and I am so glad Chayse was able to give me a blessing. The main feeling I got was a sense of love and not feeling alone. I just felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and knew that I would always have that to fall back on when things got a bit rough. I also knew that prayer would be the connection to keep that love alive and strong. And I was also promised that things would go well with the children and I could be as involved in their life as I was able to and things (chemo mainly I assume) would not hinder that. I couldn't believe those words, that I would be involved in their life.

Pippa LOVES Pete the Cat right now

I had spoken to a handful of cancer and breast cancer survivors, all with the advice of not making commitments. Saying no. To live moment by moment and not worry about the next day or what was to come. I tried that. I really did. And yes, it was very sound advice the first few days when things were just so confusing to me and my body and just going every which way. Then I just had to stop. I had to look forward to Lux's class party, and Chayse's work party, and then Christmas, and everything else. I just enjoy celebrating things with my kids and this is no different. I try my best to be in great form to do things, but even if I am not and have a little bit left in me, I just do it anyway. That's just who I am. I don't make excuses. I have had an amazing body until this hiccup and it's not stopping me now.

So first: God loves me. He knows me. He knows how important my kids are and He is there for me, even though He isn't tangible and in physical form beside me, He knows my every need and fear and will help me make up the difference. Be it through an angel in the form or a family member or friend, He will provide the needs and lets me recognize His hand in my life, especially at this time.

Second: Prayers. Wow. They can change everything. From feeling like I was sinking in a cave at the bottom of the ocean, and then letting people know of my story, I can honestly say my burden has been lifted. Any thought, card, text message and prayer has literally changed my life for the better. It has made me be able to take care of my family. I can provide for them the best I can right now. But I also need to know when to stop and let the angels and hands of others give me some assistance and relief. I am always the one wanting to take care of others. And I didn't realize that saying "oh, I'm praying for you" meant that much. But it surely does. It means there is one more angel in your corner, physical or in heaven, and is just creating this unseen power to help lift you up and keep you going.

Third: Angels. And angels that come bearing food. It has been heaven sent to receive meals from so many friends and neighbors. That has given me so much help. It saves me a solid hour each day they are delivered that I don't have to spend in the kitchen and can focus on my kid's health and wellness and give them the attention I should always be giving them. Not always a possibility with 4 busy kids 6 and under, but from this I have realized if I plan things a little bit better, I can give them more of me to keep them happier and more obedient as well. Win win, right?

Fourth: An old neighbor we keep running into has given me such a wonderful gift, help around the house. She has offered assistance once a week for a few hours and I am so looking forward to it. I know I have had help prior, but this way my mother and sister in law can enjoy spending time with the kids instead of helping with the cleaning. I was so blown away by her offer and am so appreciative of it.

Fifth: Things happen in mysterous ways. Never have I wanted to be refined like this. But I also feel that this isn't just refining me. It's doing something to my immediate family, my extended family and all those that have reached out to help me. I am truly not alone in this fight. I have so many people cheering us on from the sidelines and really wanting to help us out. Genuine offers that make me realize I need to let them help us also. Not because I can do it if I stretch myself super thing, but because they need to be refined in some way by this process as well. Maybe it's because as a child they went through something similar and remember the kindness and how it impacted their parents, and now it's their turn to return the favor. Or just wanting to figure out how to better themselves through service, and here it is. Right smack in the face. So refinement might be a better way to say this, but I am being smoothed over and fixing some rough patches and I know there are others who are stretching themselves as well to help us out and refine themselves. Thank you.

I am thankful for the opportunity to start over. I do want to mention I washed my hair today. I am scared to wash too much or brush too much. I hope this head of hair sticks around just a little bit longer and am a bit nervous for the next phase of hair. I really enjoy this one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Oh, which was spent at Perry's house. We stayed over until 10, when we did some fireworks. Pippa stayed inside with my parents, Lux danced around outside with no jacket and Zoey and Zane joined me in the van on the driveway because we brought no jackets. It worked just fine looking up and seeing the fun blasts into the air. Prior to fireworks, we played games and let the cousins play away! About 10 minutes into the fireworks Zane passed out in the back of the car after complaining he wanted back in his bed (he's my kind of kid!) and was well asleep when we left at 10:30. We got those kids in bed and then closed my eyes very soon after. I don't do well without sleep, especially now to wake up with an achey back more often than not with a restless night. I just assume that it I keep my schedule up things will be better for everyone involved. And more predictable with my symptoms. I am welcome to 2018 and have no actual "resolutions" but just to be a better Christian and refocus my relationship with Jesus through studying his works and words. And then get into better health, whatever that may mean with cancer. I'll just leave it open ended. And next year we can do some goal setting with the kids. That would be a great idea.